Edwardo Crum's Official Blogging Page

Counting Crows; August and Everything After, King's X; Dogman, Neil Young; Mirrorball. These are just a few of the albums missing from Peter's collection.

I've been hanging out here at the Colorado Crum family abode for the past few days, and I've been keeping track of what my eyes have seen. Let me give you a brief glimpse into this strange world:

8:15 am Aravis is the last one up. She shuffles downstairs to find Peter and Jude on the couch playing "just one game" of Halo Reach. Peter shows enormous amounts of self-control when he actually puts down the controller (Jude scored 24, Peter a measly 8) and heads upstairs to do some homework.

9:00 am the dogs have been fed, the kids are eating breakfast, I'm laughing at the fact that Peter has his DVDs arranged in alphabetical order.

10:37 am I am tired of watching Phineas and Ferb, so I head upstairs to find Peter drawing birthday cards instead of doing homework. He apparently feels bad that he's missed so many birthdays, so he's in the process of "catching up".

12:00 pm grilled cheese (with mozzarella), macaroni and cheese (from a box), chips and salsa, and cherry-apple juice for lunch.

12:35 pm Ashley is watering the garden, Aravis is reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Jude is doing something on Facebook. I head back downstairs to take a nap.

3:00 pm Peter is yelling something about getting shoes on and going to a park.

3:03 pm We are heading out to the car, the dogs go in the modified trunk and off we go.

3:10 pm Garter snakes seem to be the primary purpose for this excursion, we have such a weird family.

I could bore you with how the rest of the day went, not really much to say though.

I have become more and more frustrated in a Huckleberry Finn kind of way.

I am repressed.

The outlet of my expression has been stifled by an adherence to my beliefs. For example; I feel comfortable saying that someone can "go take a hike!" but more colorful destinations seem inappropriate to my sensibilities. Is it wrong that I desire to have a broader, more inclusive vocabulary? I am expected to clearly and concisely use the acceptable terms, grammar and cultural references in all my communication. I find this to be extremely inhibiting. Should I feel inhibited? Therefore, I have decided to start another blog, under a pseudonym which I will never reveal. On this other blog I will let me words flow, every which way they want to go.



P.S. I just did a little internet research, it seems like about 5 million people already had this idea, so it'll be a lot harder for you to find me...

It seems that the warnings are everywhere. Be careful what you post online, one day it will catch up with you. Obviously partying college students should be careful because very soon they will be looking for employment and that drunken trip to Burger King will exist on MySpace forever... Or will it? Are we so self-absorbed that we really believe that anything we do today will last forever? Sure, of course there are those blogs that rise above the rest, distinguishing themselves as something meaningful and worthwhile. I have little doubt that this blog for example will be studied and discussed in Ancient History classes 3000 years from now. As the Internet gets fuller and fuller of crap, each individual item becomes less and less important. Eventually the whole Internet will become a complete waste of time and will be abandoned. Of course some will continue to update their Profiles, completely out of habit of course, but this will be done without even looking at any given site. Monitors will become obsolete in about three or four years, because the only thing the Internet will be good for is dumping useless information. "Posting your status" will become analogous with "using the bathroom"... It's just something you do, but no one really wants to know about it.

Obviously the TSA agents have been given poor directions. Nuns, ladies with prosthetic knees and hot young women (in some cases this is the same person) should not be the target of obtrusive pre-boarding inspections. Common sense suggests that people likely to make bombs and bring them on airplanes are the ones we should be checking before they get on... My solution is simple. Just ask everyone politely, "Are you planning to blow up this airplane?" It seems as though the current administration completely trusts men who would likely build/carry a bomb aboard an airplane, since these are the men who are intentionally not checked. Therefore, logically, to ensure safety for the flying public, just ask. I even came up with a name for the new policy; Don't ask... wait a minute, that might not work.

It's kinda funny how Peter will say something that so closely ties into something that's been on my mind. Last week he told me that he wanted to make a film about spiders, Black Widows to be precise. He has this weird fear that a Black Widow is hiding under the toilet seat, just waiting for him to sit down. He goes so far as to lift the toilet seat and do a visual inspection every time he uses the restroom. Of course this phobia has spread to other areas of his life as well; shaking out towels before use, banging shoes together and of course the Maria Von Trapp nightly bed check. Peter wants to make his "Jaws" by exorcising his fear of Black Widows, while at the same time imposing that fear upon the viewer.

This whole story ties into something that has interested me for quite some time: There have been recent advancements in the study of spider ingestion over the past 3 or 4 years. You've probably heard the numbers, on average each American swallows 12 spiders in their sleep per year. That's one of those statistics that most people believe is just an urban myth. Of course we tell ourselves that, otherwise we'd be a nation of insomniacs. I bring this up because just last Thursday I woke up in the morning with that dry, gritty sensation in my mouth. Sure enough, I Googled the symptoms and it means I not only swallowed, but obviously chewed on a spider while I slept (most likely a Western Wolf spider based on the tangy aftertaste). The recent studies conducted by some very prestigious universities have sought to explain why spiders are eaten in such high quantities. The first conclusion these studies reached is that in all reality 12 spiders per person per year isn't really a whole lot. Considering that there are approximately 17,373 spiders (of every species) per person on the planet, you'd almost expect the ingestion numbers to be higher. At the same time, people don't swallow many Ladybugs, Inchworms or Dragonflies either, so why spiders? The answer is actually much more obvious than you might have expected. The self-image of the spider has been eroded considerably by popular American culture. The result is that the instances of Acute Depression in spiders has been rising exponentially since the late 1950s. Spiders are actually throwing themselves into our throats, taking "the easy way out". I know what you're thinking; "this is horrible, but what can I do?" The truth is that there is no one solution, no silver bullet to this problem. Some people think that making comments like, "don't kill spiders, they eat a lot of bugs" is enough. But that's like saying "don't make fun of Italians, they make good sauce". Spiders don't want to be judged on what they can do, rather they want to be appreciated for who they are. So the next time you wake up in the middle of the night and you see an eight-legged friend dangling inches above your mouth, whisper some words of encouragement, and talk that little guy down.

So Peter called me up last night, primarily to whine about his Calculus class. Between all the complaints and sobbing, I was able to retrieve one interesting piece of information; Calculus is the study of motion.

This got me to thinking. People like to say that you can only be in one place at a time. I would argue that it is actually impossible to only be in one place at a time. Think about it, if you are one place one moment, and someplace else the next (while you are walking for example), where were you in the moment between? Obviously (depending on acceleration) you were smack dab in between your two points. Here's where it gets tricky. At what point are you ever really in just one place? If time can be divided into an infinite number of smaller pieces, then linear space (in the case of walking) would also have to be addressed proportionately. That would all be true if we lived in this theoretical vacuum of a world, but fortunately for us there are Natural Laws that state that time is constantly moving forward. While you're trying to divide time into an infinite number of small pieces, time has passed by, theryby decreasing the amount of time by a measurable factor (making it less than infinity). So now we are able to plug a constant fraction into the "time" portion of our equation, leaving the number of spacial positions our body has been in at infinity. The logical outcome of this process proves that our bodies are always in motion. At a measurable moment (we'll call it x) our body is in two distinct places (-a- and -b-) at the same time. Of course this explains why pictures look all fuzzy when someone is running. It really gets interesting when you start looking at fighter planes and bullwhips, but we'll talk about that at a later point.

Others talk.
Jon does.

I am faced with a predicament.

I have examined the Internet and I have come up with its four basic categories. Every website, every posting falls into one of these four groups.

1. Garbage

2. Entertainment

3. Information

4. All of the above.

The predicament is this; although in theory all of these categories should exist, the only one that really does is #1.

As the famous episode of Seinfeld addresses, "if it's been in the trash, it's trash". Is it possible for anything "Internet" to be unsoiled by the overwhelming refuse heap that the vast majority of the Internet is? I tend to go to the same sites day after day. These sites most efficiently update me on the specific subjects I am interested in. Yet I am acutely aware that wasting my time in the most efficient manner is still wasting my time. Of course I do have some ideas on how to solve this predicament of mine: Perhaps if thoughtful, intelligent, upright men and women would create their own Internet. A place where only uplifting ideas and messages would be shared. A place where wisdom met knowledge. Like a virtual library/church/classroom... Unfortunately, you, the masses couldn't be allowed in. We'd have very strict access policies. Seriously, if I posted a blog about the detrimental effects of Transcendentalism on modern society, and one of you wrote in the response section; "I don't like Transcendentalists because I prefer straight people working on my teeth!" Well, you can see how the whole thing would break down very quickly. For now I guess I'll just have to trudge through this stinking pile of putrescence that we so coyly call "the Internet".

I like how we're a country made up of millions of individuals. Each person has his or her unique point of view. Every single person in this great land of ours has their own opinions about politics, cultural events, personal relationships and the general state of the world. I also like how each of those millions of people have exactly the same amount of clout in determining the course of this wonderful country. Of course the dirty little secret is that they all have absolutely no power whatsoever. Think about the logic of it. If there are a few at the top with all the power, why in the world would any of them divide that power into millions of little pieces? Let's say a congressman from Iowa were to actually listen to his constituents, and use their input in his decision process. That would be like throwing away perfectly decent power, and for what? To make those he represents feel good? Ridiculous! You all should be relieved that you don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. What a burden it lifts when you realize that you don't count, you don't make a difference. It's not your fault that Obama got elected, heck even if you and fifteen of your best friends had voted ten times for the other guy it wouldn't have changed the outcome. I know, I know, you've been told all your life that it's a responsibility to vote. It's your God-given right to participate in the system of government. If that makes you feel better, then keep on believing it, what harm could it do. But if you want to be truly free, then let go of that antiquated notion and revel in your impotence.

Oh yeah, but make sure to watch American Idol starting tonight and remember; every vote counts!

Based on the main female character's appearance in the new movie "Avatar", I'm guessing it's pretty cold there on Pandora (and I'm not referring to her blueness).

I can imagine the Directors Commentary on the Blu-Ray release this coming summer...
JC: "So I was sitting on my leather couch 14 years ago, watching my laserdisc copy of "Dances With Wolves" on my big screen, front projection JVC television, and I was thinking to myself, 'this movie just doesn't go far enough in capturing how much I just hate white people!'."

I really enjoyed that Cameron didn't stop there, he made a point to take every movie he ripped off to the next level... Star Wars and that whole force thing is just the tip of the iceberg (no Titanic reference meant) to what he does with his whole mother-earth religion thing here in "Avatar".

I enjoyed the references to humans having already destroyed Earth by not being green enough. It's always refreshing to hear Hollywood types harp on us repetitively about something that has just recently been shown to be a hoax. Timeless. Maybe if they keep saying it and beating us over the head with it, it'll make it true.

Can I get back to that "it must be cold on Pandora" idea, do you realize that I was referring to a specific feature of the tall blue women I noticed while watching the movie with Rob and Peter last night.

If you hate America, if you hate white people, if you hate Capitalism, is that how you become a Hollywood director?

My favorite scene from the movie "Avatar" was when Jake (the main character) was flying for the first time on the huge pterodactyl-like creature. I was thinking; not only does he have the biggest, baddest pterodactyl, but he got one with the coolest colors, red with black racing stripes... Sweet!

There is a time and a place for a gentle word.
So often it is best to overlook an insult and move on with your life.
Although it isn't easy, being the bigger person has lasting rewards.
Listen patiently, with an open mind before drawing any conclusions.
As a general rule people deserve the benefit of the doubt.
Forgiveness is a trait of great character.
There is a time and a place for baseball bats.

For the last month I've been using the AdSense service that Google offers here for us bloggers. After much consideration I decided to unsubscribe from this service, and I think it is only right for me to explain myself... I was making so much money with this scheme that it was blinding me from what I originally set out to do. It was actually difficult to separate my journalistic integrity from my capitalistic ambitions. When you read one of my blogs you should find yourself sitting there at your desk half an hour later, just staring at the screen, frozen in sheer awe of the words of wisdom that your mind is still attempting to wrap itself around. Unfortunately I was being tempted to write things that might be interesting to the general populace, or even stoop as low as to post a video. Don't get me wrong, I never acted upon any of these impulses, but as they say, it's better to cut off the fingers than to allow them to type drivel for the masses. I have decided not to send back all the money I made, instead I am using it to build a headquarters for my new media foundation. My hope is that the good it will be able to accomplish will outweigh the evil that I may have been so close to befalling. And to all those over the last month who saw advertisements for Fred Savage's orthopedic socks on this page, I apologize.

Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter... Repeat ad nauseam. Didn't this all happen already? Maybe it's because I'm getting old that I'm really beginning to see a pattern. Don't be a comedian, of course I know that the seasons are cyclical, I'm not talking about that per se. What I mean is everything is staying the same, over and over again. It's like an infinite amount of deja vu or something. Here's what I'm talking about; work, television, sunsets, mustaches, Christmas lights, breeze, Starbucks, car commercials, Pumpkins and of course baseball. There isn't really anything wrong with any of these things of course, it's just that it's all been done before... Can't we get something new? Hopefully anyone who is fortunate enough to stumble across this blog will experience a sense of something new just by reading what I have written. Unfortunately for me I'm just sitting here doing the same old, same old. Eluo revolvo.

Peter and I were discussing the new Batman movie the other day, kind of making fun of the whole "brick" scene. Does Batman really need to shoot up a bunch of bricks to find out that Joker is the bad guy, give me a break! Anyways, I kind of hope this "CSI" trend makes it out of movies real soon. We already know you can read the writing on a golf ball encased in concrete sunk in a crater full of lava, from outer space... So filmmkers don't need to show us some geek clicking a mouse for ten minutes just to discover that it was Mr. Mustard in the Conservatory with the Lead Pipe. This line of thought got me thinking, and I took it a step further; not only does every movie have the "CSI" moment, every movie also has the "Smart guy outsmarting the technology" moment. Like all you need to get through a fingerprint scan is a severed hand, all you need for the retina scan is some cool contacts, and everyone knows how to fake a DNA scan by now... So I decided to create a new, unbreakable scan, and what I came up with was the S.O.U.S. It's in the process of being patented right now, so don't try to steal it or anything. What I can say about it is that it's based on the scientific principle that everyone has a unique urine stream. I don't want to bog you down with the specifics, but can you imagine how much money I'm going to make? The finger is so easily removed, the retina can be captured with your typical digital camera, and DNA is everywhere (didn't you see that disgusting 20/20 special?) But don't even think of trying to copy someones urine stream, it's just not possible.

Things just ain't the same for gangsters. Times is changin'... Ain't it the truth!

The good old days are gone, and we are in the midst of the bad new days. Nothing is as good as it used to be, why can't things just go back to how they were? Change isn't good, it's just different, and usually different is bad.

Up 'till now you probably think I'm just writing to see the words appear on the screen, but hold on, I do have a point; There used to be Samurai, Yeomen, Cowboys, Magistrates, and Gangsters. Is the world better off now that they're gone? No way! Think of the variety in professions that there used to be. Now everbody has a cell phone, a car and some shoes. What is that? How will history remember us? Will kids 200 years from now have anything cool to talk about when they think of us?

Kid #1 "Hey Jeffrey, do you want to go out back and play 'Statistician' with me?"

Kid #2 "Don't be such a dweeb Trent, you know only girls play games like that, let's pretend we're Researchers!"

Kid #1 "Alright, I'm going to try to discover how to color hair, so that even your hairdresser wouldn't know it's not your natural color!"

Kid #2 "Man! I wish we really did live back in the zeros!"

Let's just say this conversation will never take place. Perhaps I should just bow down to the social pressures and accept my place in time. Or, I could continue to idealize when things were all awesome and every job was an adventure. It would have been so cool to be one of those guys who got to sharpen the guillotine, I heard they were like the rock stars of their day!

I don't even know why I bother. I might as well post this rant over on some forum discussing how to use your cell phone to promote mating rituals of whippoorwills. I could make some comments about how much I despise Facebook that might help you understand why I feel this way, but what's the use? My basic point is this; where is the Crum? Maybe you didn't read that right. Where is the Crum? Ya, that's what I said. You're all like "Here he goes again! Just more of the same!" And I'm like, what's wrong with that? Maybe when I read your blogs I'm not looking for some revelation or some epiphany. I just want to know what's going on in your life. I've said it before and I'll say it until I'm blue in the face; what Crums do while there not doing anything is infinitely more interesting than anyone else on their best day. I don't mean to pick on Jon, but like what happened next? And Thomas, what can I say? Maybe Pop called this one right and is ahead of the curve... Do I want to have you all blogging over here in the old-school blogging world for selfish reasons? Sure. It's been made clear that I'm not wanted in the hip Facebook world. Just remember this: One day, and it won't be long, that place too will loose its luster and everyone will be off to the newfangled site where you can brush your teeth, flirt with guys who are pretending to be girls half their age, and test you Pearl Jam trivia I.Q. all at the same time. As for me, I'm keeping the Crum right here where it belongs.

Peter emailed me this photo on Saturday, and I just had to post it for the world to see and laugh at. He was asking my opoinion on which look he should "sport" at Matt's wedding. I wrote back and suggested that Matt would probably appreciate that he just avoid facial hair altogether considering these horrific options. Hopefully no one reading this has made the mistake of keeping a goatee, considering that it is a well known fact that Satan has a goatee. It's kind of that look that says "I'm not clean shaven, but I must break the Old Testament law of taking a razor to my face as well..." Then there's the mustache, unless you can pull off a Hercule Poirot perfectly groomed work of art, then please avoid the 'stache. Anyways, most people should avoid making statements using facial hair, and if you don't know where you stand concerning this, then you are one of those people. Please don't write directly to Peter regarding this post, it is far better to leave a public comment that will last forever.

I was sitting here contemplating what to blog about. At first I came up with "Profanity", then I realized I'd already explored that back with the whole "Smurf" discussion. Next I came up with an idea called "A Swift Kick to the Head", but I wan't sure what it was going to be about, so I scratched that title. Then I thought "Emory" or "My Brothers Are Awesome!" , but the first one didn't make much sense, and the second one is so obvious as to be unnecessary. I ended up with the title "Loosing Touch" mostly because as I think back over my history as a blogger, I think that I've lost touch with what it means to blog. I noticed that Jon is over there with a truly interesting serial approach to blogging which is captivating and entertaining. What in the world is he doing?! I though the whole point of this internet crap was to waste as much of other people's time as possible. I like the idea of attempting to waste as much time in as little time as I can. "Waste Efficiency" is what I like to call it. Like this blog for example, everyone who is reading it is expecting, at least is hoping for some thoughtful insights, a word of wisdom, maybe a humorous story, and then a nice tidy conclusion. Well let me tell you; you'll get none of that here today. Perhaps next time I'll try to be funny, or maybe I'll share something that's been on my mind for a while, but today you get this and only this.

I know I'm not alone in this, but I think the iphone is the coolest single electronic device to come down the pike in the last thirty years. What pisses me off is this; why the high cost for cool? Why can't cool be affordable? Of course this thought reminds me of that part in "Fight Club" where Brad Pitt is taking Ed Norton to task for allowing possessions to define him. Why do I think the iphone is so cool? Why do I want one so badly? Why? I could give you the geeky, techno answer; phone, video ipod, internet device, touch screen, etc... Perhaps it's the automatic status symbol, the fact that they are expensive and so unnecassary. I was talking to Peter the other day, and what he said is that he's been intentionally holding out on buying any ipod, because he thought eventually they would come out with a combo device. For him, if he's got to carry a cell phone, he might as well have an integrated ipod so that he's not adding a device to his already full pockets. The news that the baseline iphone costs $500, and then on top of his current AT&T service he'd have to pay $20/month just to use his iphone (that's $240/year or $480/2 year contract) bringing the total for an iphone over two years to almost $1,000. Then you factor in that Peter is really hard on cell phones, currently his outer display doesn't work, the camera takes pictures that look like they're underwater, and there is a fine layer of dust inside the main display. Anyways, my point is that if he's going to buy another cell phone it better be a little more hardy than the one he's already got, and perhaps the iphone isn't the way to go. So it's expensive, it's flimsy, it's a glaring example of materialsim, plus it's super lame. Maybe I don't want an iphone after all.

I was just reading Peter's most recent post. He said something about how all kids are different, and that really irritated me. Where does someone get off making a blanket statement like that. That's almost as bad as suggesting that no two snowflakes are alike. Trillions and trillions of snowflakes have fallen in just the past week. Has anyone compared even a small percentage of those snowflakes? Personally I would suggest that there are probably only like ten or fifteen different snowflake patterns, and all snowflakes are almost exactly alike. Seriously, scientists are like the laziest bunch of people on the planet, posssibly even in the universe. I can imagine the discussion that took place durring a recent textbook creation session: (although I really hate to use the word "creation" around scientists).

Scientist 1. "Hey, when we make this next chapter, the one about patterns and all that crap, maybe we should start out by using the Snowflake Analogy."

Scientist 2. "That's a great one! Isn't it amazing how there are no two snowflakes alike, ever?!

Scientist 3. "Ya! I've never seen two of the same snowflake."

Scientist 1. "Neither have I."

Scientist 2. "Nor have I, so that means it must be true, we defintely should include the Snowflake Analogy!"

I think I've made my point abundantly clear. So if there is definitive proof that most snowflakes are almost exactly the same, then we must conlude that there are a bunch of children exactly the same too. When you see your kid make that cute scrunchy look with her nose, just remember, you're not alone.